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Fix a bunch of typos and spelling errors.
PR: misc/12965 Partially Submitted by: Patrick Seal <patseal@hyperhost.net>
This commit is contained in:
Mike Pritchard
parent
c3cfd76a05
commit
dc031cf5c2
5 changed files with 230 additions and 230 deletions
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@ -2157,7 +2157,7 @@ Boston, n.:
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Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for
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finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
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%
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"Boy, life takes a long time to live
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Boy, life takes a long time to live
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-- Steven Wright
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%
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Boy, n.:
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@ -6559,7 +6559,7 @@ If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
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If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have
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dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to
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maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it
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must drop. The law of gravity supercedes the law of golf.
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must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf.
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-- Donald A. Metz
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%
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"If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good
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@ -8537,7 +8537,7 @@ carts.
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-- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
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%
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Magpie, n.:
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A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it
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A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it
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might be taught to talk.
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-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
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%
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@ -8615,9 +8615,9 @@ is an enemy.
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%
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Man, n.:
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An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
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e is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His hief
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occupation is extermination of other animals and his own pecies, which,
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however, multiplies with such insistent apidity as to infest the whole
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he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief
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occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which,
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however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole
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habitable earth and Canada.
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-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
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%
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@ -11335,7 +11335,7 @@ Seminars, n.:
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From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion.
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%
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Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would
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notify you if the record has pornographics material or
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notify you if the record has pornographic material or
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material glorifying violence?"
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Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me."
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Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's
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@ -13439,7 +13439,7 @@ The Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero.
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%
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The Three Major Kind of Tools
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* Tools for hittings things to make them loose or to tighten them up or
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* Tools for hitting things to make them loose or to tighten them up or
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jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a
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manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces,
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bludgeons, and truncheons.)
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@ -15104,7 +15104,7 @@ What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's
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worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
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-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
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%
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What is a magician but a practising theorist?
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What is a magician but a practicing theorist?
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-- Obi-Wan Kenobi
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%
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What is mind? No matter.
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@ -145,7 +145,7 @@ been inspected. (You have 15 minutes.)
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HISTORY
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Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present
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day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political,
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economic, religious and philisophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and
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economic, religious and philosophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and
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Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
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BIOLOGY
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@ -317,7 +317,7 @@ on personal stationery
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`O' LEVEL COUNTER CULTURE
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Timewarp allowed: 3 hours. Do not scrawl situationalist graffiti in the
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margins or stub your rollups in the inkwells. Orange may be worn. Credit
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will be given to candidates who self-actualise.
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will be given to candidates who self-actualize.
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1: Compare and contrast Pink Floyd with Black Sabbath and say why
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neither has street credibility.
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@ -1044,7 +1044,7 @@ with social conventions?"
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%
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A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter
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carrying a shotgun and a dead loon. "What in the world do you think you're
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doing? Don't you know that the loon is on the endagered species list?"
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doing? Don't you know that the loon is on the endangered species list?"
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Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag,
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which contained twelve more loons.
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"Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked.
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@ -1117,7 +1117,7 @@ going to it is so large.
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electronics more likely to leak than say Bosch? Hmmm... Aha!!! Lucas is
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British, and all things British leak! British convertible tops leak water,
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British engines leak oil, British displacer units leak hydrostatic fluid, and
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I might add Brititsh tires leak air, and the British defense unit leaks
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I might add British tires leak air, and the British defense unit leaks
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secrets... so naturally British electronics leak smoke.
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-- Jack Banton, PCC Automotive Electrical School
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%
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@ -1194,7 +1194,7 @@ favorite robot, faithful old Yewtoo Artoo, to carry his gear and do assorted
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camp chores.
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The Israelites soon got over their initial fear of the robot and,
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as the months passed, became very fond of him. Patriarchs took to
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discussing abtruse theological problems with him, and each evening the
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discussing abstruse theological problems with him, and each evening the
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children all gathered to hear the many stories with which he was programmed.
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Therefore it came as a great shock to them when, just as their journey was
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ending, he abruptly wore out. Even Feghoot couldn't console them.
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@ -1513,7 +1513,7 @@ Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension,
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Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe
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like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again.
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%
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Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermount noted
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Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermont noted
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in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need more
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owls."
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-- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
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@ -1634,7 +1634,7 @@ him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
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She's a women who conks to stupor.
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Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a
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man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker."
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It's not the inital skirt length, it's the upcreep.
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It's not the initial skirt length, it's the upcreep.
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It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with
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bad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins.
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%
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@ -1651,12 +1651,12 @@ after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely,
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"Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so
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charming a wife."
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%
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Everthing is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as
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Everything is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as
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far to the corner and they have added a hill. I have given up running for
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the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to.
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It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old
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days. And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers?
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There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everbody
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There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everybody
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speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them.
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The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips
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and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces. And the
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@ -1745,7 +1745,7 @@ had the same fiancee, and told him. "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll
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teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."
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A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from
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his honeymoon a chastened man. He'd become aware of the will of the wisp.
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A young husband with an inferiorty complex insisted he was just a
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A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a
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little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to
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save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
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%
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@ -2048,7 +2048,7 @@ I think very probably he might be cured."
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things that are called the eyes, and which exist to make an agreeable soft
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depression in the face, are diseased, in the case of Bogota, in such a way
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as to affect his brain. They are greatly distended, he has eyelashes, and
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his eyelids move, and cosequently his brain is in a state of constant
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his eyelids move, and consequently his brain is in a state of constant
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irritation and distraction."
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"Yes?" said old Yacob. "Yes?"
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"And I think I may say with reasonable certainty that, in order
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@ -2069,7 +2069,7 @@ at present".
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myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him
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immediately some absurdity in his proposition. In answering I began by
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observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right,
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but in the present case there appeared or semed to me some difference, etc.
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but in the present case there appeared or seemed to me some difference, etc.
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I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the
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conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I
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proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction.
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@ -2108,7 +2108,7 @@ closing the book.
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-- Susan Brownmiller, "Against Our Will"
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%
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[I plan] to see, hear, touch, and destroy everything in my path,
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including beets, rutabegas, and most random vegetables, but excluding yams,
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including beets, rutabagas, and most random vegetables, but excluding yams,
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as I am absolutely terrified of yams...
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Actually, I think my fear of yams began in my early youth, when many
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of my young comrades pelted me with same for singing songs of far-off lands
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@ -2237,7 +2237,7 @@ pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack." Could Dick Butcher have
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been an efficiency expert?
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-- Motor Trend, May 1983
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%
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In the begining, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
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In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
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mud."
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And there was mud.
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And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud
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@ -2261,7 +2261,7 @@ evening and there was morning, one interrupt.
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-- Rico Tudor, "The Story of Creation or, The Myth of Urk"
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%
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In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by
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the Great Mathamatical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they grew to
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the Great Mathematical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they grew to
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large numbers and prospered.
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One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far
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as the eye could see. So they set out in building a Mathematical edifice that
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@ -2294,7 +2294,7 @@ sat hacking at the PDP-6.
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At this Minsky shut his eyes, and Sussman asked his teacher "Why do
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you close your eyes?"
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"So that the room will be empty."
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At that momment, Sussman was enlightened.
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At that moment, Sussman was enlightened.
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%
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In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It
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changes into a bird whose winds are like clouds filling the sky. When this
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@ -2679,7 +2679,7 @@ We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in
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Africa. Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule: Up at
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6:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00. Pretty soon we were back in bed by
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6:30. Now Africa is full of big game. The first day I shot two bucks. That
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was the biggest game we had. Africa is primerally inhabited by Elks, Moose
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was the biggest game we had. Africa is primarily inhabited by Elks, Moose
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and Knights of Pithiests.
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The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their
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annual conventions. And you should see them gathered around the water hole,
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@ -2726,7 +2726,7 @@ audience, either."
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Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for
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you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an
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oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many
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cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal committment.
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cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal commitment.
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Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially
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the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are
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repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw
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@ -3134,7 +3134,7 @@ body functions.
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Penn's aunts made great apple pies at low prices. No one else in
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town could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts.
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During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm. He
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stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an agressive Rhode
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stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an aggressive Rhode
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Island Red hopped on top. Seeing this, the farmer commented, "Chicken catch
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a Tory!"
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A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat
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@ -3484,7 +3484,7 @@ to the Berkeley UNIX version of `ls'?"
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%
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Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. Five years later?
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Six? It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era -- the kind of peak that
|
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never comes again. San Fransisco in the middle sixties was a very special time
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never comes again. San Francisco in the middle sixties was a very special time
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and place to be a part of. Maybe it meant something. Maybe not, in the long
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run... There was madness in any direction, at any hour. If not across the
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Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda... You could
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@ -3729,7 +3729,7 @@ liquid.
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He switches me on to a positive behavioral format for maximal
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prestige of His identity.
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It should indeed be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make
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ambulatory progress through the umbragious inter-hill mortality slot, terror
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ambulatory progress through the umbrageous inter-hill mortality slot, terror
|
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sensations will no be initiated in me, due to para-etical phenomena.
|
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Your pastoral walking aid and quadrupic pickup unit introduce me
|
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into a pleasurific mood state.
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@ -4053,7 +4053,7 @@ appropriate for the master is not appropriate for the novice. You must
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understand the Tao before transcending structure."
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-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
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%
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There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessan. Seems one
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There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessen. Seems one
|
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day he decided to stop in downstairs for some fresh liver. Well, the owner
|
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of the deli was a bit of a cheap-skate, and decided to pick up a little extra
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change at his customer's expense. Turning quietly to the counterman, he
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@ -4077,7 +4077,7 @@ they're carrying upstairs!"
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%
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There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnapped
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three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked
|
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each of them in seperate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no
|
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each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no
|
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can opener.
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A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's
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cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from
|
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@ -4354,7 +4354,7 @@ explain the failure of your three marriages."
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product."
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-- Jules Feiffer
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%
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Well, he thought, since neither Aristotilian Logic nor the disciplines
|
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Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines
|
||||
of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them...
|
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Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced
|
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only by Masters of the Universal Way of Zen. In it his mind floated freely,
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@ -4525,7 +4525,7 @@ it does. We call it a two-by-four."
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-- "Shoe", Jeff MacNelly
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%
|
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When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced
|
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his support of Bary Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was
|
||||
his support of Barry Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was
|
||||
questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal"
|
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political views.
|
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"Well," explained Cotton, "it's like the New Hampshire farmer. He was
|
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|
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@ -5232,7 +5232,7 @@ What's that? A chartreuse flamethrower?"
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%
|
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*** NEWS FLASH ***
|
||||
|
||||
Archeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur
|
||||
Archaeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur
|
||||
skeleton! Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive
|
||||
than DEC admits. Price adjustments at 11:00.
|
||||
%
|
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|
|
@ -5262,7 +5262,7 @@ awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect.
|
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canine with innovative maneuvers.
|
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-- Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.
|
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-- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly
|
||||
galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Farenheit.
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galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
|
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%
|
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... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their
|
||||
procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as
|
||||
|
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@ -5320,7 +5320,7 @@ discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration.
|
|||
optimal cachinnation.
|
||||
-- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
|
||||
%
|
||||
... there are about 5,000 people who are part of that commitee. These guys
|
||||
... there are about 5,000 people who are part of that committee. These guys
|
||||
have a hard time sorting out what day to meet, and whether to eat croissants
|
||||
or doughnuts for breakfast -- let alone how to define how all these complex
|
||||
layers that are going to be agreed upon.
|
||||
|
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@ -5580,7 +5580,7 @@ increase to more than $100,000,000 -- by which time it will be worth nothing.
|
|||
1/2 oz. gin
|
||||
1/2 oz. vodka
|
||||
1/2 oz. rum (preferably dark)
|
||||
3/4 oz. tequilla
|
||||
3/4 oz. tequila
|
||||
1/2 oz. triple sec
|
||||
1/2 oz. orange juice
|
||||
3/4 oz. sour mix
|
||||
|
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@ -6020,7 +6020,7 @@ A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
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|||
It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be
|
||||
explained in terms that you would understand.
|
||||
|
||||
6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMANTAL TREATMENT READILY.
|
||||
6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY.
|
||||
Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting
|
||||
research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
|
||||
%
|
||||
|
|
@ -6071,12 +6071,12 @@ A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil.
|
|||
-- Joseph Campbell
|
||||
%
|
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A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention,
|
||||
with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequilla.
|
||||
with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequila.
|
||||
-- Mitch Ratcliffe
|
||||
%
|
||||
A computer salesman visits a company president for the purpose of selling
|
||||
the president one of the latest talking computers.
|
||||
Salesman: "This machine knows everything. I can ask it any quesstion
|
||||
Salesman: "This machine knows everything. I can ask it any question
|
||||
and it'll give the correct answer. Computer, what is the
|
||||
speed of light?"
|
||||
Computer: 186,000 miles per second.
|
||||
|
|
@ -6307,7 +6307,7 @@ should be masculine or feminine.
|
|||
After considerable thought, he settled on an naming the car either
|
||||
Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandry about the final choice.
|
||||
"Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends. Most of
|
||||
them looked at him pecularly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and
|
||||
them looked at him peculiarly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and
|
||||
went on their way rather quickly.
|
||||
He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black
|
||||
belt in judo. She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine."
|
||||
|
|
@ -6427,7 +6427,7 @@ Engineer: Well, I've invented a way to weave metallic threads into the saddle
|
|||
blanket so that they will act as the plates of a battery and provide
|
||||
electrical shock to the horse.
|
||||
G: That's very good! But let's hear from the chemist.
|
||||
Chemist: I've synthesized a powerful stimulant that disolves
|
||||
Chemist: I've synthesized a powerful stimulant that dissolves
|
||||
into simple blood sugars after ten minutes and therefore
|
||||
cannot be detected in post-race tests.
|
||||
G: Excellent, excellent! But I want to hear from the physicist before
|
||||
|
|
@ -7289,7 +7289,7 @@ to his death.
|
|||
"DUMB YANKEE."
|
||||
%
|
||||
A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
|
||||
by the side of the street. Curiousity got the better of him and he leaned
|
||||
by the side of the street. Curiosity got the better of him and he leaned
|
||||
out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained
|
||||
that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
|
||||
himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped
|
||||
|
|
@ -7587,7 +7587,7 @@ might be made an Archbishop."
|
|||
"Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
|
||||
"If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal."
|
||||
"Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?"
|
||||
Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I supose that I could
|
||||
Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I suppose that I could
|
||||
be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will."
|
||||
"And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go
|
||||
up from being the Pope?"
|
||||
|
|
@ -7603,7 +7603,7 @@ entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family.
|
|||
-- Saul Alinsky
|
||||
%
|
||||
A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having
|
||||
his neighbour notice it.
|
||||
his neighbor notice it.
|
||||
-- Trygve Lie
|
||||
%
|
||||
A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale,
|
||||
|
|
@ -7665,7 +7665,7 @@ banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey.
|
|||
The banana weighs two ounces per inch. The rope is as long (in feet) as
|
||||
the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces)
|
||||
is the same as the age of the monkey's mother. The combined age of the
|
||||
monkey and its mother is thirdy years. One half of the weight of the monkey,
|
||||
monkey and its mother is thirty years. One half of the weight of the monkey,
|
||||
plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the
|
||||
weight and the weight of the rope. The monkey's mother is half as old as
|
||||
the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she
|
||||
|
|
@ -7703,13 +7703,13 @@ I don't know what it's about. I'm just the drummer. Ask Peter.
|
|||
A Scholar asked his Master, "Master, would you advise me of a proper
|
||||
vocation?"
|
||||
The Master replied, "Some men can earn their keep with the power of
|
||||
their minds. Others must use thier strong backs, legs and hands. This is
|
||||
their minds. Others must use their strong backs, legs and hands. This is
|
||||
the same in nature as it is with man. Some animals acquire their food easily,
|
||||
such as rabbits, hogs and goats. Other animals must fiercely struggle for
|
||||
their sustenance, like beavers, moles and ants. So you see, the nature of
|
||||
the vocation must fit the individual.
|
||||
"But I have no abilities, desires, or imagination, Master," the
|
||||
scholer sobbed.
|
||||
scholar sobbed.
|
||||
Queried the Master... "Have you thought of becoming a salesperson?"
|
||||
%
|
||||
A scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and
|
||||
|
|
@ -7723,7 +7723,7 @@ the vexation of thinking.
|
|||
%
|
||||
A sense of desolation and uncertainty, of futility, of the baselessness
|
||||
of aspirations, of the vanity of endeavor, and a thirst for a life giving
|
||||
water which seems suddenly to have failed, are the signs in conciousness
|
||||
water which seems suddenly to have failed, are the signs in consciousness
|
||||
of this necessary reorganization of our lives.
|
||||
|
||||
It is difficult to believe that this state of mind can be produced by the
|
||||
|
|
@ -7958,7 +7958,7 @@ sitting in the yard watching the pig.
|
|||
"Sure is, son," the farmer replied. "Why, two years ago, my daughter
|
||||
was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that
|
||||
pig swam out and dragged her back to shore."
|
||||
"Amazing!" the salesman exlaimed.
|
||||
"Amazing!" the salesman exclaimed.
|
||||
"And that's not the only thing. Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on
|
||||
the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did.
|
||||
That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me.
|
||||
|
|
@ -7986,7 +7986,7 @@ when the faculty loses interest in students.
|
|||
%
|
||||
A vacuum is a hell of a lot better
|
||||
than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.
|
||||
-- Tenessee Williams
|
||||
-- Tennessee Williams
|
||||
%
|
||||
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
|
||||
-- Samuel Goldwyn
|
||||
|
|
@ -8037,7 +8037,7 @@ A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.
|
|||
A witty saying proves nothing.
|
||||
-- Voltaire
|
||||
%
|
||||
"A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are recticent to admit,
|
||||
"A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to admit,
|
||||
let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact remains that
|
||||
there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another,
|
||||
completely immune to any direct magical spell. It is for this group of
|
||||
|
|
@ -8477,7 +8477,7 @@ Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me.
|
|||
Actually, the probability is 100% that the elevator
|
||||
will be going in the right direction. Proof by induction:
|
||||
|
||||
N=1. Trivialy true, since both you and the elevator
|
||||
N=1. Trivially true, since both you and the elevator
|
||||
only have one floor to go to.
|
||||
|
||||
Assume true for N, prove for N+1:
|
||||
|
|
@ -8583,7 +8583,7 @@ Fuchsia: Fast
|
|||
Gardenia: Secret, untold love
|
||||
Honeysuckle: Bonds of love
|
||||
Ivy: Friendship, fidelity, marriage
|
||||
Jasmine: Amiablity, transports of joy, sensuality
|
||||
Jasmine: Amiability, transports of joy, sensuality
|
||||
Leaves (dead): Melancholy
|
||||
Lilac: Youthful innocence
|
||||
Lilly: Purity, sweetness
|
||||
|
|
@ -8683,7 +8683,7 @@ his own."
|
|||
It was so granted.
|
||||
%
|
||||
After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages,
|
||||
claming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
|
||||
claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
|
||||
in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his
|
||||
bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the
|
||||
judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000.
|
||||
|
|
@ -9361,7 +9361,7 @@ Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so.
|
|||
-- Senator Adlai E. Stevenson
|
||||
|
||||
The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that
|
||||
from time to time threaten freedoms everyhere... Indeed, it is difficult
|
||||
from time to time threaten freedoms everywhere... Indeed, it is difficult
|
||||
to appreciate how far our freedoms might have eroded had it not been for the
|
||||
Union's valiant representation in the courts of the constitutional rights
|
||||
of people of all persuasions, no matter how unpopular or even despised
|
||||
|
|
@ -9673,7 +9673,7 @@ An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit.
|
|||
%
|
||||
An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
|
||||
%
|
||||
An infallible method of concilliating a tiger
|
||||
An infallible method of conciliating a tiger
|
||||
is to allow oneself to be devoured.
|
||||
-- Konrad Adenauer
|
||||
%
|
||||
|
|
@ -9963,7 +9963,7 @@ please don't try this at home!'"
|
|||
%
|
||||
And what accomplished villains these old engineers were! What diabolical
|
||||
ways to sabotage they found! Nikolai Karlovich von Meck, of the People's
|
||||
Comissariat of Railroads ... would hold forth for hours on end about the
|
||||
Commissariat of Railroads ... would hold forth for hours on end about the
|
||||
economic problems involved in the construction of socialism, and he loved to
|
||||
give advice. One such pernicious piece of advice was to increase the size
|
||||
of freight trains and not worry about heavier than average loads. The GPU
|
||||
|
|
@ -10223,7 +10223,7 @@ has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining his government.
|
|||
-- J.P. Morgan
|
||||
%
|
||||
Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years
|
||||
organising and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.
|
||||
organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.
|
||||
-- David Broder
|
||||
%
|
||||
Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the
|
||||
|
|
@ -10365,7 +10365,7 @@ Applause, n:
|
|||
The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool.
|
||||
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
||||
%
|
||||
April is the cruellest month...
|
||||
April is the cruelest month...
|
||||
-- Thomas Stearns Eliot
|
||||
%
|
||||
AQUADEXTROUS:
|
||||
|
|
@ -10457,7 +10457,7 @@ say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
|
|||
Wipe that smile off your face.
|
||||
I don't believe you.
|
||||
How many times have I told you to be careful?
|
||||
Just beacuse.
|
||||
Just because.
|
||||
%
|
||||
Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
|
||||
say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
|
||||
|
|
@ -10723,7 +10723,7 @@ years, left the sect he was associated with. The problem is that once the
|
|||
untrained mind has made a formal commitment to a religious philosophy --
|
||||
and it does not matter whether that philosophy is generally reasonable and
|
||||
high-minded or utterly bizarre and irrational -- the powers of reason are
|
||||
suprisingly ineffective in changing the believer's mind.
|
||||
surprisingly ineffective in changing the believer's mind.
|
||||
-- Steve Allen
|
||||
%
|
||||
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
|
||||
|
|
@ -10763,7 +10763,7 @@ Ken-L-Ration dog food makes your complexion clear,
|
|||
Simonize your baby in a Hershey candy bar,
|
||||
And Texaco's a beauty cream that's used by every star.
|
||||
|
||||
Take your next vacation in a brand new Frigedaire,
|
||||
Take your next vacation in a brand new Frigidaire,
|
||||
Learn to play the piano in your winter underwear,
|
||||
Doctors say that babies should smoke until they're three,
|
||||
And people over sixty-five should bathe in Lipton tea.
|
||||
|
|
@ -10841,7 +10841,7 @@ Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
|
|||
2. I use shoe polish to excess.
|
||||
3. God is love.
|
||||
4. I like mannish children.
|
||||
5. I have always been diturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears.
|
||||
5. I have always been disturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears.
|
||||
6. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools.
|
||||
7. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye.
|
||||
8. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs.
|
||||
|
|
@ -11143,7 +11143,7 @@ AUCTION:
|
|||
Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity.
|
||||
-- G.J. Danton
|
||||
%
|
||||
audophile, n:
|
||||
audiophile, n:
|
||||
Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music.
|
||||
%
|
||||
Auribus teneo lupum.
|
||||
|
|
@ -11550,7 +11550,7 @@ different from being stoned on gin.
|
|||
%
|
||||
Being the #2 man in the Justice Department under Ed Meese is akin to
|
||||
standing next to a lamp post infested with pigeons.
|
||||
-- unamed Justice Department official
|
||||
-- unnamed Justice Department official
|
||||
%
|
||||
Being ugly isn't illegal. Yet.
|
||||
%
|
||||
|
|
@ -12054,7 +12054,7 @@ Multics, adj:
|
|||
brain-damaged is bad; it also implies it is unusable.
|
||||
%
|
||||
Brandy Davis, an outfielder and teammate of mine with the Pittsburgh Pirates,
|
||||
is my choice for team captain. Cincinnatti was beating us 3-1, and I led
|
||||
is my choice for team captain. Cincinnati was beating us 3-1, and I led
|
||||
off the bottom of the eighth with a walk. The next hitter banged a hard
|
||||
single to right field. Feeling the wind at my back, I rounded second and
|
||||
kept going, sliding safely into third base.
|
||||
|
|
@ -13218,7 +13218,7 @@ It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
|
|||
-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
|
||||
%
|
||||
Come fill the cup and in the fire of spring
|
||||
Your winter garment of repentence fling.
|
||||
Your winter garment of repentance fling.
|
||||
The bird of time has but a little way
|
||||
To flutter -- and the bird is on the wing.
|
||||
-- Omar Khayyam
|
||||
|
|
@ -13744,7 +13744,7 @@ Croll's Query:
|
|||
If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
|
||||
%
|
||||
Cropp's Law:
|
||||
The amount of work done varies inversly
|
||||
The amount of work done varies inversely
|
||||
with the time spent in the office.
|
||||
%
|
||||
Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them.
|
||||
|
|
@ -15384,7 +15384,7 @@ imagery and Appledom. Even words look like decorative filigrees in exotic
|
|||
typefaces. The greatest icon of all, the inviolable Apple itself, stands in
|
||||
the dominate position at the upper-left corner of the screen. A central
|
||||
corporate headquarters decrees the form of all rites and practices.
|
||||
Infalliable doctrine issues from one executive officer whose selection occurs
|
||||
Infallible doctrine issues from one executive officer whose selection occurs
|
||||
in a sealed boardroom. Should anyone in his curia question his powers, the
|
||||
offender is excommunicated into outer darkness. The expelled heretic founds
|
||||
a new company, mutters obscurely of the coming age and the next computer,
|
||||
|
|
@ -15465,7 +15465,7 @@ But I'm goin' to heaven in a flash of fire,
|
|||
Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it.
|
||||
-- Harry Secombe's diet
|
||||
%
|
||||
Eat drink and be merry! Tommorrow you may be in Utah.
|
||||
Eat drink and be merry! Tomorrow you may be in Utah.
|
||||
%
|
||||
Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we diet.
|
||||
%
|
||||
|
|
@ -15727,7 +15727,7 @@ Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May.
|
|||
%
|
||||
Enjoy yourself while you're still old.
|
||||
%
|
||||
Entreprenuer, n:
|
||||
Entrepreneur, n:
|
||||
A high-rolling risk taker who would rather
|
||||
be a spectacular failure than a dismal success.
|
||||
%
|
||||
|
|
@ -16409,13 +16409,13 @@ Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof. There are many examples
|
|||
of outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies,
|
||||
but they prevailed with irrefutable data. More often, egregious findings
|
||||
that contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts. I have
|
||||
argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic conciousness,"
|
||||
argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic consciousness,"
|
||||
and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of
|
||||
neuroscience. Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid
|
||||
handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena
|
||||
than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves
|
||||
offer more plausible alternatives.
|
||||
-- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Conciousness:
|
||||
-- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Consciousness:
|
||||
Implications for Psi Phenomena".
|
||||
%
|
||||
Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.
|
||||
|
|
@ -16613,7 +16613,7 @@ Fear is the greatest salesman.
|
|||
-- Robert Klein
|
||||
%
|
||||
feature, n:
|
||||
A surprising property of a program. Occasionaly documented. To
|
||||
A surprising property of a program. Occasionally documented. To
|
||||
call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not
|
||||
consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though
|
||||
not necessarily wrong response. See BUG. "That's not a bug, it's
|
||||
|
|
@ -16639,7 +16639,7 @@ That obviates your basic hedonistic predelection
|
|||
For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection.
|
||||
A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents:
|
||||
You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance;
|
||||
And when not being utilitized to aid in locomotion,
|
||||
And when not being utilized to aid in locomotion,
|
||||
It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion.
|
||||
Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display
|
||||
Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array.
|
||||
|
|
@ -16915,7 +16915,7 @@ flowchart, n. & v.
|
|||
[From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart
|
||||
"a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."]
|
||||
1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni
|
||||
construction problems in which given algoritms require geometrical
|
||||
construction problems in which given algorithms require geometrical
|
||||
representation using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI
|
||||
template. 2. n. Neronic doodling while the system burns.
|
||||
3. n. A low-cost substitute for wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate
|
||||
|
|
@ -17002,7 +17002,7 @@ when moving between an mskipand ordinary skip, the conversion factor
|
|||
%
|
||||
For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.
|
||||
%
|
||||
For flavor, instant sex will never supercede the stuff you have to peel
|
||||
For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel
|
||||
and cook.
|
||||
-- Quentin Crisp
|
||||
%
|
||||
|
|
@ -17251,7 +17251,7 @@ the person making the claim, not the critic. It is not the responsibility
|
|||
of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the
|
||||
responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals
|
||||
or colored lights never healed anyone. The skeptic's role is to point out
|
||||
claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidcence and to
|
||||
claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidence and to
|
||||
provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with
|
||||
the accepted body of scientific evidence.
|
||||
-- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII,
|
||||
|
|
@ -17569,7 +17569,7 @@ skilled written communicator:
|
|||
the portions that attribute recent failures to someone else.
|
||||
|
||||
growth potential:
|
||||
With proper guidance, periodic counselling, and remedial training,
|
||||
With proper guidance, periodic counseling, and remedial training,
|
||||
the reviewee may, given enough time and close supervision, meet
|
||||
the minimum requirements expected of him by the company.
|
||||
|
||||
|
|
@ -17833,7 +17833,7 @@ FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
|
|||
A black panther is really a leopard that has a solid black coat
|
||||
rather then a spotted one.
|
||||
Peanuts are not really nuts. The majority of nuts grow on trees
|
||||
while peauts grow underground. They are classified as a
|
||||
while peanuts grow underground. They are classified as a
|
||||
legume-part of the pea family.
|
||||
A cucumber is not a vegetable but a fruit.
|
||||
%
|
||||
|
|
@ -17975,7 +17975,7 @@ sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero
|
|||
and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.
|
||||
|
||||
Dingell: "There are places in the world at the present time where we are
|
||||
having to artifically propogate oysters and clams."
|
||||
having to artificially propagate oysters and clams."
|
||||
Hoffman: "You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?"
|
||||
Dingell: "They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter is
|
||||
that female oysters through their living habits cast out large
|
||||
|
|
@ -18154,7 +18154,7 @@ convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
|
|||
%
|
||||
From too much love of living,
|
||||
From hope and fear set free,
|
||||
We thank with brief thanskgiving,
|
||||
We thank with brief thanksgiving,
|
||||
Whatever gods may be,
|
||||
That no life lives forever,
|
||||
That dead men rise up never,
|
||||
|
|
@ -18411,12 +18411,12 @@ Getting into trouble is easy.
|
|||
%
|
||||
Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked
|
||||
out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.
|
||||
-- Melvin Belli on the occcasion of his getting kicked out
|
||||
-- Melvin Belli on the occasion of his getting kicked out
|
||||
of the American Bar Association
|
||||
%
|
||||
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
|
||||
|
||||
Corrollary:
|
||||
Corollary:
|
||||
Following the rules will not get the job done.
|
||||
%
|
||||
Getting there is only half as far as getting there and back.
|
||||
|
|
@ -19176,7 +19176,7 @@ guru, n:
|
|||
%
|
||||
gy-ro-scope:
|
||||
A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also
|
||||
free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpindicular to
|
||||
free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to
|
||||
each other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the
|
||||
two mutually perpendicular axes results from application of
|
||||
torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the
|
||||
|
|
@ -19333,7 +19333,7 @@ Handel's Proverb:
|
|||
You can't produce a baby in one month by impregnating 9 women!
|
||||
%
|
||||
handshaking protocol, n:
|
||||
A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initate a
|
||||
A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initiate a
|
||||
terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by
|
||||
occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling.
|
||||
%
|
||||
|
|
@ -19567,7 +19567,7 @@ but a lot harder than it appears.
|
|||
%
|
||||
Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it
|
||||
appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down,
|
||||
and its salient virtuosi a gang of umitigated scoundrels? Then let us
|
||||
and its salient virtuosi a gang of unmitigated scoundrels? Then let us
|
||||
not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickel the midriff, its
|
||||
incomparable services as a maker of entertainment.
|
||||
-- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
|
||||
|
|
@ -19673,7 +19673,7 @@ Why don't you go where fashion sits,
|
|||
Dressed up like a million dollar trooper,
|
||||
Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper, (super dooper)
|
||||
Come, let's mix where Rockefeller's walk with sticks,
|
||||
Or umberellas, in their mitts,
|
||||
Or umbrellas, in their mitts,
|
||||
Puttin' on the Ritz.
|
||||
...
|
||||
If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
|
||||
|
|
@ -20067,7 +20067,7 @@ Hear about...
|
|||
up a chopped libber?
|
||||
%
|
||||
Hear about...
|
||||
the guru who refused Novacain while having a tooth pulled because
|
||||
the guru who refused Novocain while having a tooth pulled because
|
||||
he wanted to transcend dental medication?
|
||||
%
|
||||
Hear about...
|
||||
|
|
@ -20146,7 +20146,7 @@ Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
|
|||
Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a
|
||||
date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see?
|
||||
And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so
|
||||
you set off accross the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right
|
||||
you set off across the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right
|
||||
smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you
|
||||
don't hear your girl screaming any more?
|
||||
|
||||
|
|
@ -20845,7 +20845,7 @@ I would not have lost so much for recreation.
|
|||
Nor for love as the sweet pretend: the children's game
|
||||
of deliberate ignorance of each to allow the dreaming.
|
||||
Not for the impersonal belly nor the heart's drunkenness
|
||||
have I come this far, stubborn, disasterous way.
|
||||
have I come this far, stubborn, disastrous way.
|
||||
But for relish of those archipelagoes of person.
|
||||
To hold her in hand, closed as any sparrow,
|
||||
and call and call forever till she turn from bird
|
||||
|
|
@ -21083,7 +21083,7 @@ terrifies people the most.
|
|||
I acted to show my love for Jodie Foster.
|
||||
-- John Hinckley
|
||||
%
|
||||
I ain't got no quarrle with them Viet Congs.
|
||||
I ain't got no quarrel with them Viet Congs.
|
||||
-- Muhammad Ali
|
||||
%
|
||||
I allow the world to live as it chooses,
|
||||
|
|
@ -21297,7 +21297,7 @@ particularly if he has income and she is pattable.
|
|||
%
|
||||
I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute
|
||||
-- where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic)
|
||||
how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishoners for whom
|
||||
how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom
|
||||
to vote -- where no church or church school is granted any public funds or
|
||||
political preference -- and where no man is denied public office merely
|
||||
because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or
|
||||
|
|
@ -22313,8 +22313,8 @@ take one along that worked.
|
|||
-- Raymond Chandler
|
||||
%
|
||||
I know if you been talkin' you done said
|
||||
just how suprised you wuz by the living dead.
|
||||
You wuz suprised that they could understand you words
|
||||
just how surprised you wuz by the living dead.
|
||||
You wuz surprised that they could understand you words
|
||||
and never respond once to all the truth they heard.
|
||||
But don't you get square!
|
||||
There ain't no rule that says they got to care.
|
||||
|
|
@ -22460,7 +22460,7 @@ but for what I am when I am with you.
|
|||
%
|
||||
I loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that we two might
|
||||
commit some act so atrocious that the world, seeing us, would find it
|
||||
irresistable.
|
||||
irresistible.
|
||||
-- Gene Wolfe, "The Shadow of the Torturer"
|
||||
%
|
||||
I married beneath me. All women do.
|
||||
|
|
@ -22556,7 +22556,7 @@ I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
|
|||
-- Lucy Van Pelt
|
||||
%
|
||||
I never met a man I didn't want to fight.
|
||||
-- Lyle Alzado, professional footbal lineman
|
||||
-- Lyle Alzado, professional football lineman
|
||||
%
|
||||
I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.
|
||||
%
|
||||
|
|
@ -22817,7 +22817,7 @@ I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope
|
|||
they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em.
|
||||
-- The Best of Will Rogers
|
||||
%
|
||||
I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neigbors to
|
||||
I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neighbors to
|
||||
the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about
|
||||
us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart.
|
||||
-- The Best of Will Rogers
|
||||
|
|
@ -22927,7 +22927,7 @@ I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a
|
|||
department store, and he asked for my autograph.
|
||||
-- Shirley Temple
|
||||
%
|
||||
I suggest a new stategy, Artoo: let the Wookiee win.
|
||||
I suggest a new strategy, Artoo: let the Wookiee win.
|
||||
-- CP30
|
||||
%
|
||||
I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school,
|
||||
|
|
@ -23043,7 +23043,7 @@ that I am!
|
|||
-- Monty Python
|
||||
%
|
||||
"I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'"
|
||||
"Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manafacturers of dairy products."
|
||||
"Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manufacturers of dairy products."
|
||||
-- The Life of Brian
|
||||
%
|
||||
I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee.
|
||||
|
|
@ -23277,7 +23277,7 @@ near the place.
|
|||
I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I
|
||||
don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected
|
||||
with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger,
|
||||
the food cheaper, and old men and womem warmer in the winter, and happier
|
||||
the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier
|
||||
in the summer.
|
||||
-- Brendan Behan
|
||||
%
|
||||
|
|
@ -23314,7 +23314,7 @@ the earth.
|
|||
Sylvia Kamerman, "Book Reviewing"
|
||||
%
|
||||
I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I
|
||||
ordered French Toast in the Rennaissance.
|
||||
ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
|
||||
-- Steven Wright
|
||||
%
|
||||
I was born in a barrel of butcher knives
|
||||
|
|
@ -23722,7 +23722,7 @@ I'd probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough.
|
|||
Couldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had.
|
||||
-- Brenda Starr
|
||||
%
|
||||
I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heavan.
|
||||
I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heaven.
|
||||
%
|
||||
I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
|
||||
-- Fred Allen
|
||||
|
|
@ -23832,7 +23832,7 @@ convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health.
|
|||
If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped.
|
||||
The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position
|
||||
in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of
|
||||
gravity supercedes the law of golf.
|
||||
gravity supersedes the law of golf.
|
||||
-- Donald A. Metz
|
||||
%
|
||||
If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce
|
||||
|
|
@ -23986,7 +23986,7 @@ If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
|
|||
If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
|
||||
-- Leonard Levinson
|
||||
%
|
||||
If at first you fricasee, fry, fry again.
|
||||
If at first you fricassee, fry, fry again.
|
||||
%
|
||||
If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is
|
||||
identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a
|
||||
|
|
@ -24059,7 +24059,7 @@ If food be the music of love, eat up, eat up.
|
|||
%
|
||||
If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there
|
||||
is an exception to every rule. If we accept "For every rule there is an
|
||||
exception" as a rule, then we must conced that there may not be an exception
|
||||
exception" as a rule, then we must concede that there may not be an exception
|
||||
after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of
|
||||
exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there
|
||||
can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception.
|
||||
|
|
@ -24247,7 +24247,7 @@ If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
|
|||
shoulders of giants.
|
||||
-- Isaac Newton
|
||||
|
||||
In the sciences, we are now uniquely priviledged to sit side by side with
|
||||
In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side with
|
||||
the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
|
||||
-- Gerald Holton
|
||||
|
||||
|
|
@ -24258,7 +24258,7 @@ my shoulders.
|
|||
Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders.
|
||||
-- Gauss
|
||||
|
||||
Mathemeticians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists
|
||||
Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists
|
||||
stand on each other's toes.
|
||||
-- Richard Hamming
|
||||
|
||||
|
|
@ -24356,7 +24356,7 @@ If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
|
|||
%
|
||||
If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler.
|
||||
%
|
||||
If it were not for the presents, an elopment would be preferable.
|
||||
If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable.
|
||||
-- George Ade, "Forty Modern Fables"
|
||||
%
|
||||
If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost,
|
||||
|
|
@ -24428,7 +24428,7 @@ If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform.
|
|||
-- Mary Wilson Little
|
||||
%
|
||||
If mathematically you end up with the wrong
|
||||
answer, try multipying by the page number.
|
||||
answer, try multiplying by the page number.
|
||||
%
|
||||
If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would
|
||||
be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies.
|
||||
|
|
@ -24630,7 +24630,7 @@ put on a professor.
|
|||
%
|
||||
If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five
|
||||
steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same
|
||||
prinicples -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful
|
||||
principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful
|
||||
feature, that.
|
||||
-- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990.
|
||||
%
|
||||
|
|
@ -26031,14 +26031,14 @@ teacher should know. "I would not leave the definition of math," Dr. Honig
|
|||
said, "up to the mathematicians."
|
||||
-- The New York Times, October 22, 1985
|
||||
%
|
||||
In California they don't throw their garbadge away -- they make
|
||||
In California they don't throw their garbage away -- they make
|
||||
it into television shows.
|
||||
-- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
|
||||
%
|
||||
In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended.
|
||||
%
|
||||
In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling
|
||||
against prayer in schools will be temporarily cancelled.
|
||||
against prayer in schools will be temporarily canceled.
|
||||
%
|
||||
In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"
|
||||
-- The Kidner Report
|
||||
|
|
@ -26058,7 +26058,7 @@ be free of subjugation.
|
|||
%
|
||||
In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter.
|
||||
%
|
||||
In Cristianity, a man may have only one wife.
|
||||
In Christianity, a man may have only one wife.
|
||||
This is called Monotony.
|
||||
%
|
||||
In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable.
|
||||
|
|
@ -26534,7 +26534,7 @@ Increased knowledge will help you now.
|
|||
Have mate's phone bugged.
|
||||
%
|
||||
INCUMBENT:
|
||||
Person of livliest interest to the outcumbents.
|
||||
Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
|
||||
%
|
||||
Indecision is the true basis for flexibility.
|
||||
%
|
||||
|
|
@ -26601,7 +26601,7 @@ Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
|
|||
It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if
|
||||
dressed as a man.
|
||||
|
||||
Above the enterance to a Cairo bar:
|
||||
Above the entrance to a Cairo bar:
|
||||
Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husband
|
||||
or similar.
|
||||
|
||||
|
|
@ -27050,7 +27050,7 @@ three more than the schedule allowed.
|
|||
The control program manager had 150 men. He asserted that they
|
||||
could prepare the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating;
|
||||
it would be well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule.
|
||||
Futhermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling
|
||||
Furthermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling
|
||||
their thumbs for ten months.
|
||||
To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control
|
||||
program team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time,
|
||||
|
|
@ -27414,7 +27414,7 @@ high as the eagle?
|
|||
It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for.
|
||||
-- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard
|
||||
%
|
||||
It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the
|
||||
It is so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the
|
||||
devil when he is the only explanation of it.
|
||||
-- Ronald Knox, "Let Dons Delight"
|
||||
%
|
||||
|
|
@ -27530,7 +27530,7 @@ It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done.
|
|||
%
|
||||
It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more
|
||||
doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of
|
||||
a new system. For the initiator has the emnity of all who would profit
|
||||
a new system. For the initiator has the enmity of all who would profit
|
||||
by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders
|
||||
in those who would gain by the new ones.
|
||||
-- Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513
|
||||
|
|
@ -27605,7 +27605,7 @@ may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada
|
|||
military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said
|
||||
the Army unit was in a house surrounded by Cuban forces. One soldier found
|
||||
a telephone and, using his credit card, called Ft. Bragg, N.C., telling Army
|
||||
officiers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the
|
||||
officers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the
|
||||
Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit.
|
||||
-- Aviation Week and Space Technology
|
||||
%
|
||||
|
|
@ -27729,7 +27729,7 @@ and party!
|
|||
It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
|
||||
-- Andrew Jackson
|
||||
%
|
||||
It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underware.
|
||||
It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear.
|
||||
-- Cheers
|
||||
%
|
||||
It's a naive, domestic operating system without any
|
||||
|
|
@ -27737,7 +27737,7 @@ breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption.
|
|||
%
|
||||
It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
|
||||
%
|
||||
It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it's a depression
|
||||
It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression
|
||||
when you lose yours.
|
||||
-- Harry S. Truman
|
||||
%
|
||||
|
|
@ -27755,7 +27755,7 @@ never missed. The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really... We come
|
|||
out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb.
|
||||
What is the point of it all? Who thought up this sickening circle of
|
||||
flesh and blood? We come into the world bleeding and cut and our bones
|
||||
half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, multilation, and
|
||||
half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, mutilation, and
|
||||
then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever. Who could
|
||||
have thought it up, I wonder?"
|
||||
-- James Purdy
|
||||
|
|
@ -29155,7 +29155,7 @@ Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.
|
|||
-- Shakespeare, "Coriolanus"
|
||||
%
|
||||
Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a
|
||||
number. Youre two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and
|
||||
number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and
|
||||
another number.
|
||||
-- James Estes
|
||||
%
|
||||
|
|
@ -29792,7 +29792,7 @@ Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.
|
|||
-- Lazarus Long
|
||||
%
|
||||
Little known fact about Middle Earth: The Hobbits had a very
|
||||
sophisticated computer network! It was a Tolkein Ring...
|
||||
sophisticated computer network! It was a Tolkien Ring...
|
||||
%
|
||||
Little Known Facts, #23:
|
||||
Did you know... that if you dial 911 in Los Angeles you get
|
||||
|
|
@ -30221,7 +30221,7 @@ Nibble on they tiny feet!
|
|||
%
|
||||
Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart,
|
||||
seized this one for the fair form
|
||||
that was taken from me-and the way of it afficts me still.
|
||||
that was taken from me-and the way of it afflicts me still.
|
||||
Love, which absolves no loved one from loving,
|
||||
seized me so strongly with delight in him,
|
||||
that, as you see, it does not leave me even now.
|
||||
|
|
@ -30705,7 +30705,7 @@ Rose, thornless, any: Early attachment
|
|||
Rose, white: I am worthy of you
|
||||
Rose, yellow: Decrease of love, rise of jealousy
|
||||
Rosebud, white: Girlhood, and a heart ignorant of love
|
||||
Rosemary: Rememberance
|
||||
Rosemary: Remembrance
|
||||
Sunflower: Haughtiness
|
||||
Tulip, red: Declaration of love
|
||||
Tulip, yellow: Hopeless love
|
||||
|
|
@ -30727,8 +30727,8 @@ Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
|
|||
%
|
||||
MARRIAGE:
|
||||
An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply
|
||||
in love and desiring to make a committment to each other expressing
|
||||
that love. In short, committment to an institution.
|
||||
in love and desiring to make a commitment to each other expressing
|
||||
that love. In short, commitment to an institution.
|
||||
%
|
||||
MARRIAGE:
|
||||
Convertible bonds.
|
||||
|
|
@ -30954,7 +30954,7 @@ May you have many beautiful and obedient daughters.
|
|||
May you have many handsome and obedient sons.
|
||||
%
|
||||
May you have warm words on a cold evening,
|
||||
a full mooon on a dark night,
|
||||
a full moon on a dark night,
|
||||
and a smooth road all the way to your door.
|
||||
%
|
||||
May you live in uninteresting times.
|
||||
|
|
@ -30988,7 +30988,7 @@ Maybe you can't buy happiness, but
|
|||
these days you can certainly charge it.
|
||||
%
|
||||
May's Law:
|
||||
The quality of correlation is inversly proportional to the density
|
||||
The quality of correlation is inversely proportional to the density
|
||||
of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)
|
||||
%
|
||||
McDonald's -- Because you're worth it.
|
||||
|
|
@ -31065,7 +31065,7 @@ MEETINGS:
|
|||
%
|
||||
Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that
|
||||
corporations and other large organizations habitually engage
|
||||
in only becuase they cannot actually masturbate.
|
||||
in only because they cannot actually masturbate.
|
||||
-- Dave Barry
|
||||
%
|
||||
MEMO:
|
||||
|
|
@ -36420,7 +36420,7 @@ SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction.
|
|||
for every natural number less than n. N is arbitrary, so we can take n
|
||||
as large as we want. If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is
|
||||
trivially equivalent, so the only important n are n less than n. We can
|
||||
take n = n (from above), so it's true for n+1 becuase it's just about n.
|
||||
take n = n (from above), so it's true for n+1 because it's just about n.
|
||||
QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?")
|
||||
%
|
||||
Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days,
|
||||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
@ -50,9 +50,9 @@ Leprosy, all my skin is falling off of me.
|
|||
I'm not half the man I used to be.
|
||||
Oh, how did I get leprosy?
|
||||
|
||||
Syphillis, it all started with a simple kiss.
|
||||
Syphilis, it all started with a simple kiss.
|
||||
Now it even hurts to take a piss.
|
||||
Oh why did I get syphillis?
|
||||
Oh why did I get syphilis?
|
||||
|
||||
Why'd she have VD? I don't know, she wouldn't say.
|
||||
I did something wrong, now I long for yesterday ....
|
||||
|
|
@ -657,7 +657,7 @@ all is not lost! SofSqueeze can change your nickname to Electrolux in just
|
|||
sections) that plugs into the serial port of most home computers. Through
|
||||
the magic of biofeedback, SofSqueeze teaches you control over your vaginal
|
||||
muscles. With our exciting, easy-to-follow software you'll master the
|
||||
"Cincinnati Squeeze", the "Irresistable", the "California Crusher", and,
|
||||
"Cincinnati Squeeze", the "Irresistible", the "California Crusher", and,
|
||||
of course, the perennial favorite, "Milking Time Down on the Farm". Or,
|
||||
using our exclusive Interactive Mode, invent your own!
|
||||
SofSqueeze is made of sturdy ABS plastic, and is completely
|
||||
|
|
@ -894,7 +894,7 @@ you one wish. Do you want a quick fuck or a little head?"
|
|||
%
|
||||
Everyone in the smart nightclub was amazed by the old gentleman,
|
||||
obviously pushing 70, tossing off manhattans and cavorting around the dance
|
||||
floor like a 20-year old. Finally curiousity got the best of the cigarette
|
||||
floor like a 20-year old. Finally curiosity got the best of the cigarette
|
||||
girl. "I beg your pardon, sir," she said, "but I'm amazed to see a gentleman
|
||||
of your age living it up like a youngster. Tell me, are all of your faculties
|
||||
unimpaired?"
|
||||
|
|
@ -903,7 +903,7 @@ all, I'm afraid." he said. "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a
|
|||
girlfriend -- we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place
|
||||
about two A.M. We went to bed immediately, and I was asleep almost as soon
|
||||
as my head hit the pillow. I woke around three-thirty and nudged my girl."
|
||||
"Why, George," she said in suprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago."
|
||||
"Why, George," she said in surprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago."
|
||||
"So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to
|
||||
fail me."
|
||||
%
|
||||
|
|
@ -1055,7 +1055,7 @@ molested by a pervert, right here in my own home. It was horrifying!"
|
|||
"Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it."
|
||||
"Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask. I was napping
|
||||
on the bed, in just my pajamas, and the TV set was on so I didn't hear anything.
|
||||
Suddenly he had his great big old callused hand over my mouth, holding me down.
|
||||
Suddenly he had his great big old calloused hand over my mouth, holding me down.
|
||||
I tried to scream... he was pulling my pants off. I was so frightened! He
|
||||
held a knife to my throat and undressed so quickly. What could I do? I
|
||||
couldn't stop him. He was huge. A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty
|
||||
|
|
@ -1133,7 +1133,7 @@ young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me.
|
|||
I'm on my way."
|
||||
"Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!"
|
||||
%
|
||||
In the begining, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
|
||||
In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
|
||||
mud."
|
||||
And there was mud.
|
||||
And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud
|
||||
|
|
@ -1240,7 +1240,7 @@ suicidal behavior is commonly called the Preying Mantis Syndrome -- and many
|
|||
life forms are periodically subject to its wrath. How did the preying mantis
|
||||
become stuck in such a awful, vicious cycle? This is probably what happened:
|
||||
The male mantis arrives at the residence of the female mantis. After
|
||||
some courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphram) they mate.
|
||||
some courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphragm) they mate.
|
||||
The female mantis, her lust for... lust being satisfied, relaxes while the
|
||||
male raids the refrigerator and returns home. This behavior continues until
|
||||
the male and female (mantissas?) establish a permanent relationship. Then the
|
||||
|
|
@ -1296,7 +1296,7 @@ audience, either."
|
|||
Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for
|
||||
you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an
|
||||
oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many
|
||||
cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal committment.
|
||||
cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal commitment.
|
||||
Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially
|
||||
the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are
|
||||
repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw
|
||||
|
|
@ -1348,7 +1348,7 @@ multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music.
|
|||
After several more knights tried to prove their superiority... the
|
||||
King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped
|
||||
his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound,
|
||||
but a 40 pound weight, plus a coffe pot, to himself. The weapon doth rose.
|
||||
but a 40 pound weight, plus a coffee pot, to himself. The weapon doth rose.
|
||||
The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored
|
||||
banners... and the band played "God Save the Queen."
|
||||
%
|
||||
|
|
@ -1364,7 +1364,7 @@ way it goes? Try to help someone and you get fucked."
|
|||
seek out a cute little coil to let him discharge. He picked up Milli-Amp
|
||||
and took her for a ride on his Megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone
|
||||
bridge, around the sine waves, and stopped in the magnetic field by the
|
||||
flowing current. Micro-Farad, attracted by Milli-Amp's charactaristic curves,
|
||||
flowing current. Micro-Farad, attracted by Milli-Amp's characteristic curves,
|
||||
soon had her fully charged and excited, her resistance to a minimum. He laid
|
||||
her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, and lowered her reluctance.
|
||||
He pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it into her socket,
|
||||
|
|
@ -1382,7 +1382,7 @@ each others fuses.
|
|||
-- Eddie Currents, "The Sex Life of an Electron"
|
||||
%
|
||||
One of my favorite Zoo jokes has to do with a woman who, while
|
||||
visiting the zoo, desided to have a little fun with the Gorilla. She walks
|
||||
visiting the zoo, decided to have a little fun with the Gorilla. She walks
|
||||
up to his cage, reaches in, and begins to fondle the beast. Needless to
|
||||
say, the animal becomes quite excited, and as he tries to reciprocate in
|
||||
kind, the woman steps back and gives him a raspberry...!
|
||||
|
|
@ -1396,7 +1396,7 @@ never writes..."
|
|||
%
|
||||
One PAYDAY, MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT O' HONEY. So he took his Miss
|
||||
HERSHEY behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of 5th AVENUE and CLARK where he
|
||||
there began to feel her MOUNDS. And that was an ALMOND JOY which definately
|
||||
there began to feel her MOUNDS. And that was an ALMOND JOY which definitely
|
||||
made his TOOSIE ROLL.
|
||||
He let out a SNICKER as he slipped his BUTTERFINGER up her KIT KAT
|
||||
which of course caused the MILKY WAY. She screamed "OH, HENRY!" as she
|
||||
|
|
@ -1457,13 +1457,13 @@ motivated by Fear, Stupidity and Craziness. But I have spent enough time in
|
|||
jackrabbit country to know that most of them lead pretty dull lives; they are
|
||||
bored with their daily routines: eat, fuck, sleep, hop around a bush now and
|
||||
then... No wonder some of them drift over the line into cheap thrills once in
|
||||
a while; there has to be a powerful adrenalin rush in crouching by the side of
|
||||
a while; there has to be a powerful adrenaline rush in crouching by the side of
|
||||
a road, waiting for the next set of headlights to come along, then streaking
|
||||
out of the bushes with split-second timing and making it across to the other
|
||||
side just inches in front of the speeding front wheels.
|
||||
Why not? Anything that gets the adrenalin moving like a 440 volt
|
||||
Why not? Anything that gets the adrenaline moving like a 440 volt
|
||||
blast in a copper bathtub is good for the reflexes and keeps the veins free
|
||||
of cholesterol ... but too many adrenalin rushes in any given time-span has
|
||||
of cholesterol ... but too many adrenaline rushes in any given time-span has
|
||||
the same bad effect on the nervous system as too many electro-shock treatments
|
||||
are said to have on the brain: after a while you start burning out the
|
||||
circuits.
|
||||
|
|
@ -2011,7 +2011,7 @@ screaming: "Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?"
|
|||
Then it was quiet again. My attorney had taken his shirt off and
|
||||
was pouring beer on his chest, to facilitate the tanning process. "What the
|
||||
hell are you yelling about?" he muttered, staring up at the sun with his
|
||||
eyes closed and covered with wraparound Spanish sungalsses. "Never mind,"
|
||||
eyes closed and covered with wraparound Spanish sunglasses. "Never mind,"
|
||||
I said. "It's your turn to drive." I hit the brakes and aimed the Great
|
||||
Red Shark toward the shoulder of the highway. No point in mentioning the
|
||||
bats, I thought. The poor bastard will see them soon enough.
|
||||
|
|
@ -2095,7 +2095,7 @@ into months if the captain hadn't noticed the sailor carrying food below one
|
|||
evening and followed him. After witnessing this unique bit of barter, he
|
||||
waited until the sailor had departed and then confronted the girl, demanding
|
||||
an explanation. She told him the whole story.
|
||||
"Hmmm," mused the captian. "A clever arrangement, and I must say I
|
||||
"Hmmm," mused the captain. "A clever arrangement, and I must say I
|
||||
admire that young seaman's ingenuity. However, miss, I feel it is only fair
|
||||
to tell you that this is the Staten Island Ferry."
|
||||
%
|
||||
|
|
@ -2147,7 +2147,7 @@ that they are easily disposed to restore to the sword. My own belief in
|
|||
God, then, is just that -- a matter of belief, not knowledge. My respect
|
||||
for Jesus Christ arises from the fact that He seems to have been the most
|
||||
virtuous inhabitant of Planet Earth. But even well-educated Christians are
|
||||
frustated in their thirst for certainty about the beloved figure of Jesus
|
||||
frustrated in their thirst for certainty about the beloved figure of Jesus
|
||||
because of the undeniable ambiguity of the scriptural record. Such ambiguity
|
||||
is not apparent to children or fanatics, but every recognized Bible scholar
|
||||
is perfectly aware of it. Some Christians, alas, resort to formal lying to
|
||||
|
|
@ -2200,7 +2200,7 @@ And bring me back ma prick. I canna wait for him to die
|
|||
4. You don't have to let a beer win.
|
||||
5. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to
|
||||
sleep with it beer, too.
|
||||
6. A beer helps with the houswork.
|
||||
6. A beer helps with the housework.
|
||||
7. A beer will never fumble with your bra.
|
||||
8. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
|
||||
9. A beer doesn't want you to raise its children.
|
||||
|
|
@ -2215,7 +2215,7 @@ And bring me back ma prick. I canna wait for him to die
|
|||
4. You don't have to let a beer win.
|
||||
5. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to
|
||||
sleep with it, too.
|
||||
6. A beer helps with the houswork.
|
||||
6. A beer helps with the housework.
|
||||
7. A beer will never fumble with your bra.
|
||||
8. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
|
||||
9. A beer doesn't want you to raise its children.
|
||||
|
|
@ -2271,7 +2271,7 @@ And bring me back ma prick. I canna wait for him to die
|
|||
3. A beer won't steal all the covers.
|
||||
4. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink all your beer.
|
||||
5. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car.
|
||||
6. A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo".
|
||||
6. A beer doesn't buy everything labeled "turbo".
|
||||
7. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
|
||||
8. A beer is not kinky unless you want it to be kinky.
|
||||
9. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
|
||||
|
|
@ -2298,7 +2298,7 @@ And bring me back ma prick. I canna wait for him to die
|
|||
7. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator.
|
||||
8. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
|
||||
9. A beer won't steal the covers.
|
||||
10. A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo".
|
||||
10. A beer doesn't buy everything labeled "turbo".
|
||||
11. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
|
||||
12. A beer can't talk about the women who had it before you.
|
||||
13. A beer tastes good.
|
||||
|
|
@ -2432,7 +2432,7 @@ I am not I, I'm a tree."
|
|||
And covered his pants leg with pee.
|
||||
%
|
||||
A beautiful belle of Del Norte
|
||||
Is reckoned disdainful and haughrty
|
||||
Is reckoned disdainful and haughty
|
||||
Because during the day
|
||||
She says: "Boys, keep away!"
|
||||
But she fucks in the gloaming like forty.
|
||||
|
|
@ -2446,7 +2446,7 @@ Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey.
|
|||
A beautiful man is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and
|
||||
purgatory for the purse.
|
||||
%
|
||||
A beautiful, voluptous woman goes to see a gynecologist. The doctor takes
|
||||
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynecologist. The doctor takes
|
||||
one look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right
|
||||
away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her
|
||||
thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
|
||||
|
|
@ -2528,7 +2528,7 @@ Was heard to confess in her cups:
|
|||
Was fucking a collie --
|
||||
But I got a nice price for the pups."
|
||||
%
|
||||
A burleyque dancer, a pip
|
||||
A burlesque dancer, a pip
|
||||
Named Virginia, could peel in a zip;
|
||||
But she read science fiction
|
||||
And died of constriction
|
||||
|
|
@ -2999,7 +2999,7 @@ He couldn't get out with ESC.
|
|||
A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk
|
||||
Made love to the drive of his disk.
|
||||
The thing circumsized him,
|
||||
Which rather suprised him.
|
||||
Which rather surprised him.
|
||||
He wasn't aware of *that* risk.
|
||||
%
|
||||
A hand in a bird is worth two on 'er bush.
|
||||
|
|
@ -3435,7 +3435,7 @@ to his death.
|
|||
"DUMB YANKEE."
|
||||
%
|
||||
A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
|
||||
by the side of the street. Curiousity got the better of him and he leaned
|
||||
by the side of the street. Curiosity got the better of him and he leaned
|
||||
out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained
|
||||
that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
|
||||
himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped
|
||||
|
|
@ -3621,8 +3621,8 @@ you must have told the bitch to go fuck herself!"
|
|||
%
|
||||
A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary. From
|
||||
his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched,
|
||||
sewn, and is currently split down one side. He asks the proprieter, "How much
|
||||
to replace this, Ian?" The proprieter says, "Why, Angus, that'l be four
|
||||
sewn, and is currently split down one side. He asks the proprietor, "How much
|
||||
to replace this, Ian?" The proprietor says, "Why, Angus, that'l be four
|
||||
pence." Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?" The prop. looks the
|
||||
condom over carefully, and says "Three pence to repair." The Scotsman ponders
|
||||
for a moment, then says, "I'll be back."
|
||||
|
|
@ -3717,7 +3717,7 @@ wanted to try out a pig himself. He had watched several miners walk upstairs
|
|||
to the trysting rooms with squealing piglets under their arms. Now, he was
|
||||
game to make his move. He wandered out to the back of the saloon and chose
|
||||
a nice fat, pink sow. As he walked to the stairs, the entire saloon went
|
||||
quiet. In the embarassing hush, all eyes were upon him.
|
||||
quiet. In the embarrassing hush, all eyes were upon him.
|
||||
"What's the matter? I thought all you fellows did this!"
|
||||
"Yeah, but that's Black Bart's girl," replied the barkeep.
|
||||
%
|
||||
|
|
@ -3948,7 +3948,7 @@ Aboard the good ship Venus, The cabin boy, the captain's joy,
|
|||
The mast it was a penis, A cunning little nipper,
|
||||
Her figurehead They filled his ass,
|
||||
A whore in bed, With broken glass,
|
||||
Good grief you should have seen us! And circumcized the skipper.
|
||||
Good grief you should have seen us! And circumcised the skipper.
|
||||
|
||||
The first mate's name was Higgins, The captain's daughter Mabel,
|
||||
And Higgins was a biggins, They screwed when they were able,
|
||||
|
|
@ -4019,7 +4019,7 @@ After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
|
|||
%
|
||||
After Joan and Max had been married for 25 years, Max became disinterested
|
||||
in sex, and his libido began to wan dramatically. In desperation, Joan
|
||||
hauled him to a marriage couselor, who listened patiently to Joan's complaints
|
||||
hauled him to a marriage counselor, who listened patiently to Joan's complaints
|
||||
and Max's protestations. Max claimed that he was being nagged unmercifully
|
||||
to fulfill Joan's needs, and that after awhile every marriage tended to
|
||||
become less physical. Joan said that that wasn't true and that she had
|
||||
|
|
@ -4373,12 +4373,12 @@ lewdly darted the tip of his tongue into each of my nostrils, one after the
|
|||
other, and with such cleverness he provoked two or three sneezes which
|
||||
redoubled the flow he desired and was consuming so hungrily. But ask me for
|
||||
no details bearing upon this fellow, Messieurs, nothing appeared, and whether
|
||||
because he did nothing, or becaues he did it all in his drawers, there was
|
||||
because he did nothing, or because he did it all in his drawers, there was
|
||||
nothing to be seen, and amidst the multitude of his kisses and lecherous
|
||||
lickings there was nothing outstanding which might have denoted an ecstasy,
|
||||
and consequently it is my opinion that he did not discharge. All my clothes
|
||||
were in place, even his hands stayed still, and I give you my word that this
|
||||
old libertine's fantasy might be performed upon the world's most repectable
|
||||
old libertine's fantasy might be performed upon the world's most respectable
|
||||
and least initiated girl without her being able to suppose there was anything
|
||||
lewd in it at all.
|
||||
-- Marquis de Sade
|
||||
|
|
@ -4453,7 +4453,7 @@ there, but the third nun wouldn't touch it.
|
|||
%
|
||||
Another stupid gay joke!!!
|
||||
You see, this gay man walks into a Texas bar and orders a strawberry
|
||||
daquiri. The bartender looks him over with amusement and says: "We don't
|
||||
daiquiri. The bartender looks him over with amusement and says: "We don't
|
||||
serve your kind, buddy, why don't you get out of here before the boys come
|
||||
in and kick your ass?"
|
||||
The guy whimpers a little and lisps, "Pleasse misssture I am soooo
|
||||
|
|
@ -4559,7 +4559,7 @@ as soon as you notice any of the following symptoms:
|
|||
-- An overwhelming sense of peace and happiness.
|
||||
-- Visions of the faces of deceased family members.
|
||||
-- A glorious figure in white, beckoning from the end of a tunnel of
|
||||
white mist (do not confuse this with traffic control or maintainance officers,
|
||||
white mist (do not confuse this with traffic control or maintenance officers,
|
||||
who wear dark blue and safety orange.)
|
||||
Once the feeling has passed, inspect your surroundings. If still in
|
||||
your car, you have probably suffered a stroke and should have someone drive
|
||||
|
|
@ -4670,7 +4670,7 @@ Balls Law:
|
|||
%
|
||||
BALTIMORE:
|
||||
Where the women wear turtleneck
|
||||
sweators to hide their flea collars.
|
||||
sweaters to hide their flea collars.
|
||||
%
|
||||
Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
|
||||
%
|
||||
|
|
@ -4761,7 +4761,7 @@ generally is a magnificent erotic instrument. The famous gentleman in erotic
|
|||
prints who is keeping six women occupied is using tongue, penis, both hands,
|
||||
and both big toes. Use the toe in mammary or armpit intercourse or any time
|
||||
you are astride her, or sit facing as she lies or sits. Make sure the nail
|
||||
isn't sharp. In a restuarant, in these days of tights one can surreptitiously
|
||||
isn't sharp. In a restaurant, in these days of tights one can surreptitiously
|
||||
remove a shoe and sock, reach over, and keep her in almost continuous orgasm
|
||||
with all four hands fully in view on the table top and no sign of contact--
|
||||
A party trick which really rates as advanced sex. She has less scope, but
|
||||
|
|
@ -4843,7 +4843,7 @@ students. A three-foot bar of extruded aluminum was precisely machined,
|
|||
with a hole milled down the center of precisely the dimensions of one of
|
||||
the small Gideon bibles. The end capped off, a CO2 canister was connected
|
||||
to provide up to 2,000 PSIG. Prelimary estimates during field testing
|
||||
revealed a muzzle velocity of approximarly 120-150 MPH for bibles exiting
|
||||
revealed a muzzle velocity of approximately 120-150 MPH for bibles exiting
|
||||
the tube. Sufficient ammunition was obtained during a previous visit to
|
||||
campus by another religious organization, and the system was first used on
|
||||
Brother Jim, who suffered a broken rib and numerous small bruises, in
|
||||
|
|
@ -5184,10 +5184,10 @@ Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears.
|
|||
|
||||
[Taking a shower in raincoat? Ed.]
|
||||
%
|
||||
Condoms are the feminists' revenge on men for diaphrams.
|
||||
Condoms are the feminists' revenge on men for diaphragms.
|
||||
-- Robin Williams
|
||||
%
|
||||
Confucious say:
|
||||
Confucius say:
|
||||
man who lay girl on hill, not on level.
|
||||
man who pull out too fast leave rubber.
|
||||
man who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
|
||||
|
|
@ -5202,7 +5202,7 @@ Confucious say:
|
|||
a smart man knows on which side his broad is better.
|
||||
man who arrives late to party will find himself beaten to the punch!
|
||||
%
|
||||
Confucious say:
|
||||
Confucius say:
|
||||
man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.
|
||||
man who fishes in other man's well often catch crabs.
|
||||
man and mouse the same, both end up in pussy.
|
||||
|
|
@ -5214,7 +5214,7 @@ Confucious say:
|
|||
man who lie under car, get tired -- man who stand behind car,
|
||||
get exhausted.
|
||||
%
|
||||
Confucious say:
|
||||
Confucius say:
|
||||
woman who put man in dog house find him in cat house.
|
||||
woman who spring on inner-spring this spring, have off-spring
|
||||
next spring.
|
||||
|
|
@ -5223,13 +5223,13 @@ Confucious say:
|
|||
man who kicked in testicles get left holding bag.
|
||||
man who suck nipples make clean breast of things.
|
||||
woman who slide down bannister make monkey shine.
|
||||
woman's irginity like balloon, one prick and all gone.
|
||||
woman's virginity like balloon, one prick and all gone.
|
||||
Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best.
|
||||
squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts.
|
||||
eplileptic woman who give blow-job may bite big one.
|
||||
epileptic woman who give blow-job may bite big one.
|
||||
seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.
|
||||
%
|
||||
Confucious say:
|
||||
Confucius say:
|
||||
woman who ride bicycle peddle ass around town.
|
||||
fool man climb tree to get cherries; wise man spread limbs.
|
||||
woman who fly upside down in airplane have big crack up.
|
||||
|
|
@ -5256,7 +5256,7 @@ confusion, n:
|
|||
Father's Day in San Francisco.
|
||||
%
|
||||
CONSULTANT:
|
||||
Someone who knowns 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date.
|
||||
Someone who knows 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date.
|
||||
%
|
||||
continental breakfast, n:
|
||||
A roll in bed with some honey.
|
||||
|
|
@ -5327,7 +5327,7 @@ as alcohol consumption increases and time, t, approaches last call.
|
|||
and so basic that we often forget to mention it: because it is false, and
|
||||
because good teachers understand exactly why it is false. What could be
|
||||
more destructive of that most fragile yet most precious commodity in our
|
||||
entire intellectualy heritage -- good teaching -- than a bill forcing
|
||||
entire intellectual heritage -- good teaching -- than a bill forcing
|
||||
honorable teachers to sully their sacred trust by granting equal treatment
|
||||
to a doctrine not only known to be false, but calculated to undermine any
|
||||
general understanding of science as an enterprise?
|
||||
|
|
@ -5354,7 +5354,7 @@ Sed virginem pine necebat.
|
|||
%
|
||||
Cunnilingus is next to cleanliness.
|
||||
%
|
||||
Curiousity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back.
|
||||
Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back.
|
||||
%
|
||||
Dad," the 13-year-old boy asked, looking up from his social-studies text,
|
||||
"what did you do during the sexual revolution?"
|
||||
|
|
@ -5409,7 +5409,7 @@ you can all go to hell, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you..."
|
|||
%
|
||||
Dance is the vertical expression of a horizontal intention.
|
||||
%
|
||||
Dave has an areoplane,
|
||||
Dave has an aeroplane,
|
||||
In which he likes to frisk.
|
||||
Oh what a foolish boy,
|
||||
His silly *.
|
||||
|
|
@ -5545,7 +5545,7 @@ He was blown down the street by a rocket.
|
|||
Blew his balls up his ass,
|
||||
And his pecker was found in his pocket.
|
||||
%
|
||||
Did you hear they cancelled Easter this year?
|
||||
Did you hear they canceled Easter this year?
|
||||
Found the body.
|
||||
%
|
||||
Did you know that some people your age have sex
|
||||
|
|
@ -7137,7 +7137,7 @@ Hear about...
|
|||
the sultan who had ten wives, nine of them had it soft.
|
||||
%
|
||||
Hear about...
|
||||
the swinger who labelled his little black book "Future Shack"?
|
||||
the swinger who labeled his little black book "Future Shack"?
|
||||
%
|
||||
Hear about...
|
||||
the tight end who got two years for possession and came out a
|
||||
|
|
@ -7300,7 +7300,7 @@ Here's to the girl in all our hearts...
|
|||
In other words, guys, what do you say we all go downtown for
|
||||
the rest of the night?
|
||||
%
|
||||
Here's to the woman beautiful and devine
|
||||
Here's to the woman beautiful and divine
|
||||
she flowers every month bears fruit every nine
|
||||
she's the only creature 'tween heaven and hell
|
||||
can get the juice from a nut without cracking the shell.
|
||||
|
|
@ -8697,7 +8697,7 @@ And fuck some more! I would dance and I'd be merry
|
|||
If I only had a dong!
|
||||
-- to "If I Only Had A Brain", The Wizard of Oz
|
||||
%
|
||||
I've been told that it's far more sensous to have a woman leave something
|
||||
I've been told that it's far more sensuous to have a woman leave something
|
||||
on rather than being totally nude. Myself, I've always felt that the lights
|
||||
were more than enough.
|
||||
%
|
||||
|
|
@ -9666,7 +9666,7 @@ navel, n:
|
|||
Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
|
||||
Watch who you sleep with.
|
||||
%
|
||||
necrophelia, n:
|
||||
necrophilia, n:
|
||||
Dead boring.
|
||||
|
||||
incest, n:
|
||||
|
|
@ -9787,7 +9787,7 @@ have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the non-existence
|
|||
of God. The argument follows: "I refuse to prove that I exist," says God,
|
||||
"for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing." "But," says Man,
|
||||
"the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved
|
||||
by chance, thus proving that you exist, therefore by your own arguements,
|
||||
by chance, thus proving that you exist, therefore by your own arguments,
|
||||
you don't. QED." "Oh, dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and
|
||||
promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.
|
||||
-- D. Adams
|
||||
|
|
@ -9799,7 +9799,7 @@ What would they do if I made no landfall?"
|
|||
-- Jimmy Buffet, "Landfall"
|
||||
%
|
||||
Nurse Jones is a regular on the newsgroup [alt.sex.bondage], and
|
||||
occasionally has problems with folks harrassing her. She came up
|
||||
occasionally has problems with folks harassing her. She came up
|
||||
with this in response to one...
|
||||
|
||||
Fortunately, my ego isn't as fragile as that woodpecker's wing.
|
||||
|
|
@ -10036,7 +10036,7 @@ Was tattooed the price of her tail.
|
|||
Was the same information -- in Braille.
|
||||
%
|
||||
On the breasts of a harlot from Yale
|
||||
Was tatooed the price of her tail
|
||||
Was tattooed the price of her tail
|
||||
And on her behind,
|
||||
For the sake of the blind,
|
||||
Was the same information in Braille.
|
||||
|
|
@ -10699,7 +10699,7 @@ Though he shot at the target, he missed her.
|
|||
%
|
||||
Printers do it without wrinkling the sheets.
|
||||
%
|
||||
Prior to this year's Rock & Roll Hall of Fame cermony, [Cash] went to
|
||||
Prior to this year's Rock & Roll Hall of Fame ceremony, [Cash] went to
|
||||
the bathroom. "I was standing at the urinal, and Keith Richards walked
|
||||
in... He said, 'Look at this, I'm pissing with Johnny Cash. We need a
|
||||
picture of this.' I said, 'No, Keith, we *don't* need a picture of this.'"
|
||||
|
|
@ -10737,7 +10737,7 @@ pubic hair, n:
|
|||
Organic dental floss.
|
||||
%
|
||||
Puff the Jewish dragon lived in Palestine,
|
||||
And frollicked in the Autumn mist,
|
||||
And frolicked in the Autumn mist,
|
||||
And drank Manishiewitz wine.
|
||||
Little Rabbi Jacob loved that rascal Puff,
|
||||
And brought him soup and Matzah balls,
|
||||
|
|
@ -10875,7 +10875,7 @@ A: "I'm afraid we don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my
|
|||
credit for answering this incredibly vital question."
|
||||
%
|
||||
Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light
|
||||
bulb, in San Fransisco?
|
||||
bulb, in San Francisco?
|
||||
A: Both of them.
|
||||
%
|
||||
Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
|
||||
|
|
@ -10908,7 +10908,7 @@ A: Sheep don't have strings.
|
|||
Q: What do two WASPs say after making love?
|
||||
A: Thank you very much. It'll never happen again.
|
||||
%
|
||||
Q: What do you call a blind, deaf-mute, quadraplegic Virginian?
|
||||
Q: What do you call a blind, deaf-mute, quadriplegic Virginian?
|
||||
A: Trustworthy.
|
||||
%
|
||||
Q: What do you call a nun who has had a sex change operation?
|
||||
|
|
@ -10960,7 +10960,7 @@ A: Will the defendant please rise?
|
|||
%
|
||||
Q: What does friendship among Soviet nationalities mean?
|
||||
A: It means that the Armenians take the Russians by the hand; the
|
||||
Russians take the Ukrainians by the hand; the Ukranians take
|
||||
Russians take the Ukrainians by the hand; the Ukrainians take
|
||||
the Uzbeks by the hand; and they all go and beat up the Jews.
|
||||
%
|
||||
Q: What goes
|
||||
|
|
@ -11408,7 +11408,7 @@ Readers Ask:
|
|||
|
||||
Vampires are a source of great irritation to the average homeowner and it is
|
||||
usually to one's advantage to remove these pests as rapidly as possible. If
|
||||
a professional exterminater specializing in the undead is unavailable, it is
|
||||
a professional exterminator specializing in the undead is unavailable, it is
|
||||
possible to handle the situation with common household items. However, much
|
||||
of the common folklore of vanquishing the undead needs clarifying. First,
|
||||
driving a sharpened Louisville Slugger through a vampire's heart will NOT kill
|
||||
|
|
@ -11756,7 +11756,7 @@ but I was feeling so rotten that I bit his hand."
|
|||
"Yeah, I now what you mean. So, what are you here for?"
|
||||
"Erm ... well ... Master reckons that I'm too vicious, so I'm going
|
||||
to be ... you know ... I'm going to have the *operation*."
|
||||
"Oh. Well, I'm sorry," sympathised the first dog.
|
||||
"Oh. Well, I'm sorry," sympathized the first dog.
|
||||
Time passed. The about-to-be-neutered dog coughed politely.
|
||||
"So," he asked, "What are you in here for?"
|
||||
"Oh, nothing really," the other replied, embarrassed.
|
||||
|
|
@ -11842,7 +11842,7 @@ SEMINARS:
|
|||
From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion.
|
||||
%
|
||||
Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would
|
||||
notify you if the record has pornographics material or
|
||||
notify you if the record has pornographic material or
|
||||
material glorifying violence?"
|
||||
Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me."
|
||||
Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's legs on
|
||||
|
|
@ -11872,7 +11872,7 @@ You can do each while thinking about the other.
|
|||
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
|
||||
-- Sophia Loren
|
||||
%
|
||||
Sex is a biological function; kissing is a committment.
|
||||
Sex is a biological function; kissing is a commitment.
|
||||
%
|
||||
Sex is better than grass, if you have the right pusher.
|
||||
%
|
||||
|
|
@ -12237,7 +12237,7 @@ Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs.
|
|||
Something better...
|
||||
|
||||
13 (sympathetic): Oh, What happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God?
|
||||
14 (complememtary): You must love the little birdies to give them this to
|
||||
14 (complementary): You must love the little birdies to give them this to
|
||||
perch on.
|
||||
15 (scientific): Say, does that thing there influence the tides?
|
||||
16 (obscure): Oh, I'd hate to see the grindstone.
|
||||
|
|
@ -12349,7 +12349,7 @@ And sure enough she'll take you home and make you wanna die.
|
|||
-- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Fair Game"
|
||||
%
|
||||
Taoism: Shit Happens.
|
||||
Confucianism: Confucious say, "Shit Happens".
|
||||
Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit Happens".
|
||||
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
|
||||
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
|
||||
Protestantism: Shit happens, but it happens to someone else.
|
||||
|
|
@ -12984,7 +12984,7 @@ from Ferguson. Four of 'em this month, and every one's been queer."
|
|||
%
|
||||
The nipples of Sarah Sarong
|
||||
When excited are twelve inches long
|
||||
This embarassed her lover
|
||||
This embarrassed her lover
|
||||
Who was pained to discover
|
||||
She expected no less of his dong
|
||||
%
|
||||
|
|
@ -13129,7 +13129,7 @@ as Michael came out, he accosted his and said,
|
|||
singles two weeks in a row, instead of putting money into the collection?"
|
||||
Michael replied, "Father, I'm embarrassed, but I did it because I
|
||||
wanted to go downtown for a blow job."
|
||||
The priest looked suprised but said to Michael, "Listen, don't do
|
||||
The priest looked surprised but said to Michael, "Listen, don't do
|
||||
that anymore. I'll be watching you from now on."
|
||||
When he got back to the rectory, the priest was still perplexed.
|
||||
Finally he decided to call Mother Agatha at the convent. He said, "Mother,
|
||||
|
|
@ -13257,7 +13257,7 @@ The spouse of a pretty young thing
|
|||
Came home from the wars in the spring.
|
||||
He was lame but he came
|
||||
With his dame like a flame --
|
||||
A discharge is a wondeful thing.
|
||||
A discharge is a wonderful thing.
|
||||
%
|
||||
The star of that X-rated hit
|
||||
Plays a nurse with a throat full of clit.
|
||||
|
|
@ -13304,7 +13304,7 @@ The three faithful things in life are money, a dog and an old woman.
|
|||
%
|
||||
The three most important parts of a stove: lifter, leg, and poker.
|
||||
%
|
||||
The three sexual positions during preganancy.
|
||||
The three sexual positions during pregnancy.
|
||||
|
||||
During the first four months: Missionary style
|
||||
During the second four months: Doggie style
|
||||
|
|
@ -13350,7 +13350,7 @@ The other ran his own hand over his head and nonchalantly retorted,
|
|||
The two things that you should never lend out are your car
|
||||
or your woman. Someone's bound to throw a rod in either one.
|
||||
%
|
||||
The Unitarians are really just a bunch of athiests who really
|
||||
The Unitarians are really just a bunch of atheists who really
|
||||
like going to church.
|
||||
%
|
||||
The Utah version of this joke goes:
|
||||
|
|
@ -13360,7 +13360,7 @@ that you ran all the way here, losing your breath?"
|
|||
The Council member finally regains his breath, and says "The Savior is
|
||||
in the lobby!!"
|
||||
The President immediate starts for the door, crying "It has come! The
|
||||
prophecies are fullfilled! We are all about to be uplifted!"
|
||||
prophecies are fulfilled! We are all about to be uplifted!"
|
||||
The Council member says "Wait! You didn't let me finish! She's...
|
||||
black, and SHE IS PISSED!"
|
||||
%
|
||||
|
|
@ -13443,17 +13443,17 @@ She was ugly and gaunt, with a horrible smell.
|
|||
It stank like a beast,
|
||||
And the odor killed flies as they gathered to feast.
|
||||
|
||||
What a wonderful family! What marvellous style!
|
||||
What a wonderful family! What marvelous style!
|
||||
I'll bet you and I aren't close by a mile.
|
||||
Their odor and diet
|
||||
Won't soon be forgotton,
|
||||
Won't soon be forgotten,
|
||||
And one day you and I may be equally rotten.
|
||||
%
|
||||
The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her
|
||||
first visit home since starting college.
|
||||
"Mom, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity
|
||||
last weekend."
|
||||
"I'm not suprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner
|
||||
"I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner
|
||||
or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."
|
||||
"Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight
|
||||
guys felt great, but after them my pussy got real sore."
|
||||
|
|
@ -13612,7 +13612,7 @@ front page before discarding it?"
|
|||
be on the front page."
|
||||
-- Attributed to FDR.
|
||||
%
|
||||
There was a young man hitchiking along a road one day. A car stopped and the
|
||||
There was a young man hitchhiking along a road one day. A car stopped and the
|
||||
driver opened the door and asked, "What political party are you with?"
|
||||
He replied, "Why, I'm a Democrat."
|
||||
And the driver slammed the door and rode off. The guy was pretty
|
||||
|
|
@ -13739,7 +13739,7 @@ barn. Alone! At last. His hands roamed about her soft back, around to her
|
|||
thighs, and finally caressed her budding nipples. Oh, how smooth and succulent
|
||||
she was! "Was it so wrong?", he asked himself. No, he thought, for his
|
||||
father had done it, as did his own father, ad infinitum. The boiling,
|
||||
uncontrollable rage within him became unbearable. She signalled her eagerness,
|
||||
uncontrollable rage within him became unbearable. She signaled her eagerness,
|
||||
spreading her legs, as he grasped her nipples again. Stroking, again and
|
||||
again, longer each time. It began coming; again, again, again, again. His
|
||||
mind raced with fear "Will it stop?". Exhausted, he lay down beside her.
|
||||
|
|
@ -13766,7 +13766,7 @@ desperate search. Just as his bowels threatened to erupt, he spotted a
|
|||
one-foot by one-foot hole in the floor. Now, at the end of his control, he
|
||||
decided to take advantage of the hole. He dropped his pants, hunched over it,
|
||||
and did his thing. Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the
|
||||
steps to find, to his suprise, that the crowded bar was now empty.
|
||||
steps to find, to his surprise, that the crowded bar was now empty.
|
||||
"Hey!" he yelled to the seemingly empty room, "Where is everyone?"
|
||||
From behind the bar a voice responded, "Hey! Where were you when
|
||||
the shit hit the fan?"
|
||||
|
|
@ -13867,7 +13867,7 @@ During the next few weeks, he listened particularly closely to his son's
|
|||
prayers, but noticed nothing unusual. Then, one night, the boy ended his
|
||||
prayers with, "God specially bless Grandmom, who won't be with us much longer."
|
||||
Although the shock of the original incident had worn off during the intervening
|
||||
weeks, he nontheless phoned his mother to inquire as to her health. He went to
|
||||
weeks, he nonetheless phoned his mother to inquire as to her health. He went to
|
||||
bed reassured, only to be awakened in the night by his sister calling with the
|
||||
news that their mother had died suddenly in the night. The father had a series
|
||||
of psychological tests done; nothing unusual was uncovered. About a month
|
||||
|
|
@ -13989,7 +13989,7 @@ Today is gonna be one helluva week!
|
|||
Todays title:
|
||||
Creative Violence in Sexual Relationships
|
||||
%
|
||||
Tonight's piss is tommorrow's Tang.
|
||||
Tonight's piss is tomorrow's Tang.
|
||||
-- An American astronaut
|
||||
%
|
||||
tourist, n:
|
||||
|
|
@ -14328,7 +14328,7 @@ expect it.
|
|||
User friendly software searching for friendly Hardware to interface with.
|
||||
Hardware may present itself in floppy format as software has capability to
|
||||
upgrading same to full size firm. Size is not all that important; but byte
|
||||
sized bandwith required -- header width is of more concern. Joystick should
|
||||
sized bandwidth required -- header width is of more concern. Joystick should
|
||||
be able to toggle in different speeds and for some duration. Software is
|
||||
looking for system willing to perform intensive manipulation of keyboard as
|
||||
well as preparing the mainframe and disk drives. Fingering of all files
|
||||
|
|
@ -14784,7 +14784,7 @@ poor man was in the bathroom all night, masturbating furiously, muttering
|
|||
"We've got things well in hand."
|
||||
-- Master Byte Software, Los Gatos California.
|
||||
%
|
||||
We've just recieved the results of a survey conducted to ascertain the
|
||||
We've just received the results of a survey conducted to ascertain the
|
||||
various reasons men get out of bed in the middle of the night. According
|
||||
to the report, 2% are motivated by a desire to visit the bathroom, and
|
||||
3% have an urge to raid the refrigerator. The other 95% get up to go home.
|
||||
|
|
@ -14817,7 +14817,7 @@ What the fuck, over?
|
|||
%
|
||||
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
|
||||
%
|
||||
What this department needs is a really good inflatible doll.
|
||||
What this department needs is a really good inflatable doll.
|
||||
%
|
||||
What with chromodynamics and electroweak too
|
||||
Our Standardized Model should please even you,
|
||||
|
|
@ -14943,7 +14943,7 @@ Then they're out in the hall The harder they'll work
|
|||
-- Julie Brown, "I Like 'Em Big and Stupid"
|
||||
%
|
||||
When I was eight years old I came home with tears in my eyes because some
|
||||
kids had stolen my samwich. My father handed me an ice pick, and said,
|
||||
kids had stolen my sandwich. My father handed me an ice pick, and said,
|
||||
"Next time, hit 'em first and hit 'em hard."
|
||||
-- Jake LaMotta
|
||||
|
||||
|
|
@ -15207,7 +15207,7 @@ Would you rather have a 5-inch hard or an 8-inch floppy?
|
|||
%
|
||||
Writers do it between periods.
|
||||
%
|
||||
"Yeah, I used to be into necrophelia, bestiality and sadism, but then I
|
||||
"Yeah, I used to be into necrophilia, bestiality and sadism, but then I
|
||||
realized I was just flogging a dead horse."
|
||||
%
|
||||
Yesterday is a memory,
|
||||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
@ -23,7 +23,7 @@ I am not I, I'm a tree."
|
|||
And covered his pants leg with pee.
|
||||
%
|
||||
A beautiful belle of Del Norte
|
||||
Is reckoned disdainful and haughrty
|
||||
Is reckoned disdainful and haughty
|
||||
Because during the day
|
||||
She says: "Boys, keep away!"
|
||||
But she fucks in the gloaming like forty.
|
||||
|
|
@ -65,7 +65,7 @@ Was heard to confess in her cups:
|
|||
Was fucking a collie --
|
||||
But I got a nice price for the pups."
|
||||
%
|
||||
A burleyque dancer, a pip
|
||||
A burlesque dancer, a pip
|
||||
Named Virginia, could peel in a zip;
|
||||
But she read science fiction
|
||||
And died of constriction
|
||||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
@ -288,7 +288,7 @@ MOUSTACHE ... Have you ever noticed th' way it radiates SINCERITY,
|
|||
HONESTY & WARMTH? It's a MOUSTACHE you want to take HOME and introduce
|
||||
to NANCY SINATRA!
|
||||
%
|
||||
How many retured bricklayers from FLORIDA are out purchasing PENCIL
|
||||
How many returned bricklayers from FLORIDA are out purchasing PENCIL
|
||||
SHARPENERS right NOW??
|
||||
%
|
||||
How's it going in those MODULAR LOVE UNITS??
|
||||
|
|
@ -351,7 +351,7 @@ I feel better about world problems now!
|
|||
%
|
||||
I feel like a wet parking meter on Darvon!
|
||||
%
|
||||
I feel like I am sharing a ``CORN-DOG'' with NIKITA KHRUSCHEV ...
|
||||
I feel like I am sharing a ``CORN-DOG'' with NIKITA KHRUSHCHEV ...
|
||||
%
|
||||
I feel like I'm in a Toilet Bowl with a thumbtack in my forehead!!
|
||||
%
|
||||
|
|
@ -488,7 +488,7 @@ I want a VEGETARIAN BURRITO to go ... with EXTRA MSG!!
|
|||
%
|
||||
I want a WESSON OIL lease!!
|
||||
%
|
||||
I want another RE-WRITE on my CEASAR SALAD!!
|
||||
I want another RE-WRITE on my CAESAR SALAD!!
|
||||
%
|
||||
I want EARS! I want two ROUND BLACK EARS to make me feel warm 'n
|
||||
secure!!
|
||||
|
|
@ -884,7 +884,7 @@ BROKEN PLASTIC FORKS in it!!
|
|||
Now I'm concentrating on a specific tank battle toward the end of World
|
||||
War II!
|
||||
%
|
||||
Now I'm having INSIPID THOUGHTS about the beatiful, round wives of
|
||||
Now I'm having INSIPID THOUGHTS about the beautiful, round wives of
|
||||
HOLLYWOOD MOVIE MOGULS encased in PLEXIGLASS CARS and being approached
|
||||
by SMALL BOYS selling FRUIT ...
|
||||
%
|
||||
|
|
|
|||
Loading…
Reference in a new issue